A Walmart moment to remember

This past Sunday after a wild weekend of kid related parties and not enough booze; me and the brood headed out to the burbs for a day of shopping with Grams.  The day started like any other, except that I was EXTRA clumsy.

After heading to the mall for various items (Macy’s had amazing sales!) We schlepped on over to Walmart for toys and other items that are so underpriced my “Jew” heart sings!  And if you know the glory that is Walmart you also know that you can get lost in there for hours, so after quite some time, my mother and daughter go to the restroom. Little did I know, that when they came back to me, my life would be changed forever……

My daughter, the one who this very month, almost 12 years ago was placed in my arms for the very first time, received her first rite of passage to being a woman. Did you hear that!? A WOMAN??! ::sigh:: She is a girl! My. Baby. Girl. And now, because puberty says so, SHE can reproduce…..! (just writing this has brought tears to my eyes) It is such a devastating moment. I remember my mother being proud, even excited while she called EVERYONE! Not me.  Nope. I stood in the doggy aisle (picking out a toy for the only daughter I have that still plays with them) with my mouth on the floor.  Here is how it happened.

They arrive back in the aisle they left us in:

Grams: (smirking) Zoe, are you gonna tell her?
Me: looking at Zoe
Zoe: (head down cheesy, embarrassed smile on her face) No Grams, you tell her.
Me: MOM! What?!…….. OMG. Did she get her period??!
Mom: (blushing and super big smile) Ask her what happened.
ME: Zo?
Zoe: Yes mommy. (head down)

Now, as I said, my mouth dropped and it stayed there for quite a while (I’m pretty sure my mom had to close it for me), I started crying, the boys were running around like hillbillies in a hay field and I lost any interest in buying the dog a toy.  After the shock subsided we went to the feminine care isle and I had to buy something I haven’t bought in YEARS! (I’m a tampon woman myself) I eventually text her Godmother to tell her, feeling very much like she WILL understand the devastation that I was feeling, and I was right. She understood….. three days after the fact and we are still saying “I can’t believe our baby has her period.”

The one amazing thing that came out of this whole horrifying story is our car ride home.  Zoe had tons of questions for me, all of which I had answered freely (as I always do with my children) and after a few moments of silence, driving down the highway, she turned to me and said “Mommy, you’re so much more than a mom, you’re totally my best friend too….” and with that, the water works began again.

I’ve been negligent…. again.

Isn’t it funny how the world turns?  Writing is something I love to do, yet I don’t make it a priority of mine.  Sometimes I fiddle with the idea of  ‘who wants to hear my thoughts?’ and then other times I can’t STOP SHARING! I think if I had a little fan base I would keep writing more, because sometimes I think I’m writing to myself. Which is cool.  I mean, I am an only child, so being alone and doing things alone is first nature to me. The other thing is, I don’t have this great life to talk about. It’s so repetitive that is B-O-R-I-N-G!  All I’m doing right now is work, cook, homework, clean, repeat. BLAAHHHHHH!

OH! and how could I almost forget?! Doctor appointments! My son, the 6-year-old just got diagnosed as ADHD with a side of Anxiety Disorder.  So that’s been lots of fun to deal with too…..

This post is dedicated to SLEEP.

 Sleep,

I love you…. but why don’t you love me back?
I wanna be your bitch.  Your shorty.  Your wifey.  But you treat me like you’ve got no love for me.  Why won’t you let me catch you?  Why am I chasing you like a bad habit?  I don’t even chase boys with this passion.  You aren’t being fair to me.  Treating my like garbage.  I know you don’t owe me anything, but wouldn’t it be nice to embrace me?  I’ve got big boobs and great dreams!  Don’t do me like this. You aren’t being fair! I have so much to offer when I’m fueled up on you….

SLEEP, I WANT TO BE YOUR LOVER!! YOUR MISTRESS OF THE NIGHT!
Pleeeeeeease!

Till we meet again,
Heather
xo

Have no fear…

I’m working on our first photo essay!

Holy hot, HOT weekend!

Sometimes I think I’m living the life of a 1950’s housewife. Except this ain’t the 50’s and I’m no housewife! I am a mash-up. Somewhere between my mother in the early 80’s, the girl in high school and the Mommy that I have become.

There are things in my household that we live without on a daily basis (just like in the 50’s) that a lot of people couldn’t imagine going without for a day. Things such as a microwave, cable or air conditioning! And let me tell you, normally I am all good without ANY of the three. Seriously, we didn’t even need air conditioning at first.  This summer by all means was gloriously mild.  But now it’s August. In NYC. And that means you are in the hottest phase of the season. The humidity. The hot breeze.  Or even worse, the humidity without the breeze, even if it’s a hot one, you still want it.  

Admittedly, it has been tough for us this weekend without the AC though. And don’t get me wrong, we have not 1 but 2 in our bin in the basement.  We were lucky in the sense that we went to a pool party on Saturday. Hence the kids were little fish and only came out for food and bathroom.  So Saturday doesn’teven really count.  But yesterday! O.M.G. yesterday was brutal! Every window in the house was wide open, every fan was on full blast but there wasn’t a pocket of air blowing from any direction. By the time I returned from my morning coffee run I decided that the only way for us all to survive was to go to the park around the corner from my place and let the boys frolic in the sprinklers.

We spent FIVE hours there.

I love going to the park with the kids. Really, they make friends in 2 seconds, I packed sliced water melon and grapes for snacks and water and the rest is bliss. With them all sun screened up and swim trunks on they have not a care in the world except FUN! That is exactly what it should be. Not fighting over video games, personal space, who had what first… just FUN! (plus, I get to read! SCORE!!)

Overall, I kind of take pride in having myself and my kids stick it out. I suppose it’s one of those "Back in my day we didn’t have __________" (fill in your own blank) But really, growing up, we had to stick it out in front of the fan or take a bath 5 times a day or dare I even say: sleep with a wet hand towel on you to keep cool during sleep. It’s not the easiest thing to do, but eventually you adapt. You figure out that moving needlessly creates sweat, so you stop being fidgety. Or you don’t want to give your spot on the sofa because you don’t want to lose your spot in front of the fan.  Point is you live and learn from it. I mean, I turned out just fine. Right? RIGHT?!

But no matter what, I’m sure one day they will end up in therapy and I’m totally positive that the lack of air conditioning will be the reason….

When (if ever) in Rome…

It has become very clear to me that I need a vacation! I realized the other day that the last time I had some serious away from real life time wa in March of ’08 and even that was for only 3 days! Gahhhh! I am totally depressed by this.

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m over worked, over stressed and just plain over it.

So here is the thing, I’m ALWAYS doing things with my kids so obviously I want some away time from them, but traveling when you have kids is tough. Who wants to babysit them for 7-10 days?! I have recently been invited on trips to Bali, England, Germany and Columbia and had to turn each on of them down. (England is pending; she’s a mom too with limited time away from her girls as well) But still, how much does that suck?!

Anyway, I have recently compiled a list of my top five places to visit. In no particular order, here they are:

India
Germany
Costa Rica
South Africa
Spain

Yet, Italy,  which would probably be a  last pick  for me will probably be my first trip. Seeing as my daughter is dying to go there  and I promised her for her 13th birthday we’d do it. Alone. Sans my sons. (now I just have to find that babysitter…. )

Kids 2,934,950

Mom 0  :(

I’m all Key’d up

Alright.. I have not been silent about my love for The Black Keys… and it has become much worse since APW. I’ve seen many shows live, but seeing these boys was EPIC! But there is one thing that I do that drives me bonkers. When I “see” a live band that I’m really really into, I tend to keep my eyes closed. Absorbing and swaying to the sound of them.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to be moved by the music. I want to reject distraction. But let’s be honest, I’m pretty much missing out on the whole show! and that sucks!

But, thanks to my trusty old Netflix Queue I was able to get them LIVE. IN. MY. LIVING. ROOM.  ….!!!! YES! I know!  Ugh… guys, it’s pretty bad. Um… I got this DVD on Wednesday and I still have it and I’ve watched it about 8 times since then. I actually had to grab myself and say “Heather, on Tuesday, you HAVE to mail this back!” 

So with every obsessed female part of my brain I have Googled, You-Tubed and Wiki’d not only everything about TBK, but also EVERYTHING about Dan Auerbach (lead singer and guitarist) Did you know that has ANOTHER band? Uh huh…. yeah, Dan Auerbach and the Fast Five. (you can hear them here http://www.myspace.com/danauerbachmusic)  AND they are going to be performing at Webster Hall in November (I’m so in there!)  

But the one question that is totally freakin’ killing me is “Is Dan Auerback married?” and all of my searches show up with nothing. Now I know this really isn’t relevant, except IT TOTALLY IS!! Do YOU know if he is?! I mean, I’ve got to now hatch a plan and I need to know if there is a wife I have to beat up, drown or bury in the process….  (j/k)

Gosh, kidnapping him andJustin Vernon is gonna be tough, but I’m a New Yorka so I’m used to being tough!

Hiyyyyya!

I just busted into this WordPress world because I was HELLA jealous of everyone else! Mwahahahahaaaa….

So, hopefully I will have a new post up by Monday or something… maybe later, but I’m not feeling THAT ambitious right now.

YOUNG HOLLYWOOD

I have a bone to pick with you. I know this is going to sound rather crass, but I don’t like you! Nope, not one bit and let me tell you why…. you see it’s very simple, you, Young Hollywood make me feel old. I don’t know your names or your movies (unless you are a Jo Bro or Miley) but I do see your perky boobs, fab abs and creaseless faces everywhere. I see you on People, Perez, Gawker and you girls are even stalking me from my favorite fashion site Who What Wear.

Now I realize that I am a teensy tiny spec of debris in your world Young Hollywood, but I represent a lot of women. So I am going to post some of the fab young faces that I’m totally hating (er…. envying) and then I’m going to post some of the women that are my age and perhaps a little older, women who make aging look sexy. Like the new decades of my life should and will be.

By the way, I’m 32 and I am very aware that I am either; old to you; young to a few; in my prime to some or a cougar to others. (Meee-owah)

Kristen Stewart
D.O.B April 9, 1990

Now this may sound uber caddy to you, but I want you to understand that I’M JUST BEING HONEST and stating my opinion. But I don’t find her to be so pretty. **GASP**
(maybe it’s because I haven’t read the Twilight books yet?) BUT… I do like her hair and I love her long legs. In fact, I’m totally jealous of them. Just look at them. Go ‘head LOOK!!

Selena Gomez
D.O.B. July 22, 1992
and
Demi Lovato
D.O.B. August 20, 1992

Now these are girls I do know. My daughter loves them and I’m glad she has good taste. They are spunky, talented and sweet looking with great style. But I then become dually envious because 1- I want to play dress up in their closets (the same thing happened to me a few years ago with Mary-Kate and Ashley) and 2- they can eat Mc Donalds! I ate Mc Donalds last night and suffered a horrible belly ache all night. No, seriously, I thought I was incubating an alien that is how foreign the food felt. Is that age or just that my body isn’t used to the grease anymore? Hmmm….

Zoe Kravitz
D.O.B.
December 1, 1988

Let’s be honest here, she is the daughter of Lenny Kravitz and the ever beautiful and timeless Lisa Bonet, so that right there sums up that she was destined for greatness! Look at her effortless taste in clothes! I am such a fan of less is more. This girl is so NYC. And she played a really good drugged up street walker in The Brave One.

Scarlett Johansson
D.O.B.
November 22, 1984

Anyone who knows me knows I love her boobs! It’s pretty bad, when looking at her, I become like a man and all else in the world ceases to exist. Hell, the kids could be setting the house on fire and I probably wouldn’t notice. I don’t think I’ve seen any of her movies and it probably wouldn’t matter either, because I would only be paying attention to two things. Mmmmhmm, you guessed it. *wink, wink*

and P.S. Take it from me Scar, if you have babies, those babies will get ruined. You’ll thank me for that advice. No, seriously, you will.

Zooey Daschanel
D.O.B. January 17, 1980

This indie baby’s got it all! She has those beautiful big blue eyes, an infectious smile and I am a huge fan of her voice. She always picks the best roles, full of spunk and color and she is one half of the indie\country\pop (as listed on their Myspace page) group She & Him. AND! I cannot wait till her latest movie comes out: 500 Days of Summer!

Angelina Jolie
D.O.B. June 4, 1975

Ahhh.. This list of sexy women (notice “women” and not “girls”) would not even begin to take flight if Angelina weren’t part of it. Huge fan here. HUGE. I am fine with the sex god she was, I’m fine with her kissing her brother, I’m fine with her wearing Billy Bob’s blood, I’m fine with her stealing that chicks husband, hell I’m fine with it all the way to where she is now being a humanitarian and the tamed mother of six that she is. Brad Pitt can make any ho a housewife and I would take her any which way she were offered. Serious girl crush here.

Halle Berry
D.O.B. August 14, 1966

Ok. Let me get to the point, did we see her pregnant?! I mean she was just stunning. She made it look easy and she sorta made me think I could do that again. But then reality bitch slapped me and said “Gurrl, you ain’t no Halle!” (and yes, apparently the voice in my reality is a Southern Black woman!) All in all, I think Halle just grew more beautiful with age. I wasn’t really a fan of her in her 20’s, don’t get me wrong, she was attractive but now, this woman is on fire!

I realize this list could go on and on and I already listed more women then I initially wanted to. But tell me, is there anyone you’re hating on because they make you feel old? Or, is there anyone you love because they make aging look effortless?

You see at the end of the day, I believe I am exactly where I need to be in my life. And I kicked off my 30’s with the ‘Dirty Thirty’ motto and I’ve got no intention of trying to clean it up! But every intention of doing it with style, sex appeal and intelligence. I think that is what growing older is about. You could have crows feet or grays, but really it’s all about how you carry\portray and believe yourself.

Im so about it tonight…. cant stop dancing.